


like a jiangshi except it doesnt hop and its a carnivorous wall of meat. really more like a carnivorous wall of meat than anything else i guess

by Rag



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Bathing/Washing, Blind Character, Blood, Body Horror, Caretaking, Disability, Embarrassment, Helmstrolls, Helplessness, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Torture, Multi, Near Death Experiences, Overstimulation, Polyamory, Referenced murder, Sex, Spitroasting, Threesome - M/M/M, Xeno, hyper sensitivity
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-18
Updated: 2018-08-18
Packaged: 2019-06-29 07:45:03
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,735
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15725031
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rag/pseuds/Rag
Summary: sollux spends too long in the helmscolumn, shit ensues





	like a jiangshi except it doesnt hop and its a carnivorous wall of meat. really more like a carnivorous wall of meat than anything else i guess

**Author's Note:**

  * For [sesquipedalianMarquis](https://archiveofourown.org/users/sesquipedalianMarquis/gifts).



> read the tags
> 
> featuring the least sexy partner co-bathing you'll ever read

Dave was messing around in his living room when he got the chat alert from Sollux. It was a weird time of day to get an alert from Sollux. Sollux was off doing his creepy troll shit, powering the Condesce’s old ship with his weird psychic powers while he designed the shit they used to have. Ex: Earth C Wikipedia/Trollpedia, which everyone bickered over naming until Sollux decided it was called Facts And Shit until everyone could stop whining and decide on something.

Dave didn’t like to go with him to the creepy troll nest in the sky. The whole watching his boyfriend get full-body fellated by a giant pulsing wall of meat thing wasn’t his favorite possible scenario. Even most of the trolls seemed weirded out by it. Sollux insisted they could use its power to jumpstart internet and electricity generation and all that important shit, and he wasn’t wrong. It totally helped, and they had were able to figure out an electricity network and Alternian-style internet in just the last few weeks he’d been doing it. It was kind of terrifying to think about how much power the fish queen must have generated from thousands of years of that.

Sollux was supposed to be playing mental tonsil hockey with the meat wall, not texting Dave. When he was communing with the helmscolumn, he mostly just stuck to coding or playing video games. It was weird to hear from him. It set Dave on edge a little, and that was _before_ he started reading the texts.

TA: hey quiick que2tiion

TG: whats up

Sollux took longer than he should have to type the next line.

TA: how quiick can you get here

That didn’t sound good.

TG: literally one second if you want whats up

TA: dont break tiime or anythiing 2tupiid liike that but yeah get here kiind of 2oon plea2e

TG: do i have time to ask you wtf is wrong

TA: later

That sounded really fucking bad, wow. Sollux was typing more, but he’d just have to shelve that thought. Dave paused time, put his shoes on, and left the house.

It was never hard to find the Condesce’s ship. Just look for the giant pink wart in the sky. When everyone evacuated it for the day, they’d park it down in an empty field to sleep for the night. Dave opened the entrance, closed it, disturingb as little as possible. He tried not to look at the creepy frozen people all around him. That shit never stopped being weird. Aradia and Latula pored over a screen, Roxy was typing something complicated, and Vriska was about to launch a paper airplane at Eridan’s head. Almost like a photo, except if everyone was made of hyper-realistic wax dolls. The worst, really.

Dave braced himself for the battery room. Alternian shit was the worst. The battery room as a concept was the fucking worst. Worse than that, maybe. The history behind it … ugh. It was appropriately ghoulish that Sollux liked to hang out there, fucking creep. Being all, _it’s fucking idiotic to waste such a valuable power supply because something shitty happened in it a thousand sweeps ago._ Okay, Sollux. You do you. You hang out in the creepy meat room and let it suck your brain juice in a vacillating symbiotic-cum-murderous relationship, reliving the way your ancestor was tortured to undeath. (and it was admirable, and brave, and Dave felt kind of gushy about it, Sollux was really cool)

As Dave opened the door, he mentally prepared for the creepy pink-yellow meat wall. He prepared to see it covering Sollux’s legs and hips. He didn’t prepare to see it engulfing most of his body -- everything but his face, the center of his chest, and one arm. He at least didn’t look as terrified as he might be expected to. His one free hand was clutching his phone, typing his next message to Dave, and he seemed intently focused on that.

Unpause.

“What the fuck do-“

Sollux yelped. Shit. Okay, got the shock thing out of the way.

“Hey,” Sollux said casually.

“Hey. What the fuck do I do here.”

“Cut me loose.”

Dave could do that. He drew his sword ~~and tried not to think about cutting Dirk’s fucking head off, watching it fall, hearing the heavy thud and sickening crunch of bone and~~. “Where do you end and the meatgoo starts?”

“Fuck, uh.” Sollux’s eyebrows furrowed. Dave thought he saw the goo creep up another millimeter, and his grip on his sword tightened. “Be careful?”

“Cool.” Dave could do that. Hopefully. Probably. No, he’s fine. He was starting to panic a little. Panic isn’t gonna help. Another millimeter of creepy troll meat climbed up Sollux’s face, and, fuck no, he can stop that. Okay. He breathes deeply through his nose, slows time, stops it. Okay. It’s fine. Sollux got him here before it ate him, it’s fine. He’s fine.

The thing was, they had no idea how the immortality shit applies to the shmucks who didn’t god tier (like, say, both of Dave’s partners). They’d _probably_ live forever, given the fact that Karkat and Aradia hadn’t aged much in the past four years, when they’d normally be in the troll Golden Girls or dead at this point in their lifespan (Alternia is the fucking worst). But even if they were immortal, and that was a considerable if, would this be heroic? Sollux was sacrificing himself for all of sentient life. It seemed possible. It seemed super fucking possible, really. Fuck. Why didn’t Dave argue with him more? This thing creeped him out, he and Karkat both should have pushed-

It was fine. Sollux called Dave before it got worse. It was fine, he was fine, Dave could fix this. He took his sword and slowly started cutting the gross meat away from Sollux’s limbs.

God, though, Sollux was getting such a fucking tongue lashing from him and Karkat both after this. He’d probably never hear the end of it from Karkat. Like, Dave would give him an uncomfortable little bro talk. Karkat would be ranting for a year straight. Karkat might need double paps to calm down. Dave might need double paps to calm down, haha. Sollux too. That’s what they should do when they get back (Dave realized he was saying most of this to the still-frozen Sollux, who wasn’t going to hear any of it), a triple papping session worthy of a filthy troll novel.

It takes a while to cut him free. Dave is too freaked out at the prospect of maiming even more of his matespiritboyfriend’s appendages off to slash away at the flesh wall. The dude already lost both eyes and a fuckton of teeth during the game. He could do with the rest of his limbs forever.  Oh, the meat bled. Bright pink and smelling like rich, organic iron. Alternia. Was. The. Fucking. Worst. Dave wanted to vomit by the end of it. His legs felt weak. He felt like he was going to pass out. Maybe. No, he was fine. Sollux needed help getting home.

Dave pulled him out of the goo, forced himself to ignore the blood that poured onto him from all angles, and walked them a few feet away before unpausing time.

Sollux startled and pushed at Dave before he realized what was happening. Shit, what was Dave thinking? Not very much, hah. Of course one second in meat and the next second in someone’s arms is fucking scare.

“Fuck, sorry. It’s just me.”

“Fucking _Christ_ , Dave, you have to broadcast that shit.”

“Yeah, my bad.”

Sollux relaxed back into his arms. He seemed to be struggling immensely to walk.

“Your legs get fucked up?”

“… Yeah.” Well, that was alarming. Sollux was usually tired when he came back from a meatsuck, but he wasn’t falling over like this. Before Dave could ask him more, he interrupted. “Shit, my husktop?”

Dave looked back. The husktop was slowly being enveloped by the goopy shit, too. His special, one-of-a-kind husktop, with all the apps and settings and custom codes he built to his liking so that he could operate it a fraction as fast as he used to be able to when he could see. Yeah, he didn’t want to lose that.

“Oh, fuck, lemme grab it.”

Dave helped Sollux onto the floor. Didn’t trust those legs for a fucking second to hold him up. Dave paused time as soon as Sollux was settled and cut the husktop loose. He set it on Sollux’s workstation, which was several feet away from the fucking non-sentient meat battery charging port thing, and then unpaused time. “It’s on your desk now, is that good?”

“Oh, shit, that was fast.”

“Yeah, no shit.”

“Oh my god.” Sollux buried his face in his hands.

“That’s definitely not the most embarrassing thing that’s happened to you today, dude.”

“Ugh, fuck off,” he mumbled into his hands. “Thanks.”

“Yeah, no problem.” Dave shuffled down and helped Sollux up. He was carrying him like a sack of sideways potatoes more than helping him walk, but Sollux would object like a cat in a lake to being overtly carried.

They took a few steps forward before Sollux stopped him.

“What?”

“Can…” he said quietly, “ can you pause shit to bring me back?”

“What, do you not want people to know you almost got eaten by the troll-eating meat wall?”

“Fuck off, I’m exhausted.”

“Yeah, okay, don’t let go.” Dave leaned over and kissed Sollux’s blood-splattered temple. Sollux leaned into him a little heavier.

“Thanks.”

*

He didn’t want the shower. Dave insisted. It was all hitting him in waves, little things, a little at a time. He wasn’t fully grasping what happened over there - things like that don’t happen after the game - but he was starting to understand that Sollux was covered in viscera and that was a fucking problem. Some of it was already smearing on the couch where he flopped down.

“You know we’d all be happy living in a dumpster, but I actually don’t want to see you covered in blood for the next four days.”

Sollux grimaced and weakly flicked his fingers against the couch. He seemed to be chewing on something.

“What?”

“I…”

“You?”

“Don’t be a fucking douche about this,” he primed.

“What?” Sollux chewed over his thought some more. “Don’t give me curiosity blueballs, sugar.”

“Okay, sucrose. My psionics are shot and my legs are fucking useless. There’s a reason I had to get you. Which, thanks.”

“Holy fuck.” Dave considered how to not be a douche about the fact that Sollux was apparently a fucking invalid now. “Do you need troll doctors? Is this shit normal?”

“Fuck no, it’s not normal. I’ll be fine in a day or two. Probably two.”

“Of course, yeah.”

“I should have kept a better eye on shit,” he mumbles.

“Understatement.”

“I _know_ , okay. I’ll stop using it.”

“Thank _fuck_.”

“Why the fuck would I keep using it after it almost ate me?”

“I stopped assuming I could understand Alternia’s relationship to violence a year ago, dude.”

Sollux smirked a little. “Like yours makes any more sense.”

Dave decided to let that go. Nope, not getting in a culture slap fight today. “So, uh. I’m gonna need you to not be covered in blood if we’re hanging out. Or I’ll be freaking out?” Sollux’s expression softened, and Dave immediately felt like shit. “But, nevermind, that’s my own shit to deal with-“

“DS, come on, that’s beyond reasonable. Let’s get it over with.”

Dave relaxed. “Thanks.”

“You know, it’s not optimal for me to be covered in blood, either.”

“No offense, but it smells creepy.” Troll blood had different smells depending on the color, which was kind of fucking revolting. Dave had never smelled fuchsia before. It was the caviar of troll blood. He didn’t like it.

“Yeah, shit’s the worst. I got used to it, but, ugh.” He reached out. “Help me up, c’mon. I’m totally fuckin’ useless right now.”

Dave hauled Sollux up, and they headed into the bathroom. Lucky for Dave, Sollux weighed about four pounds soaking wet. If he needed to be lugged around for a few days, Dave could manage. Karkat could help, too. God, Karkat would be so, so pissed/sad about this.

Dave turned the faucet and let Sollux lean on him while the water warmed. The silence was heavy and awkward. It got even more awkward when Dave thought seriously about what was about to go down.

“So, uh, what’s exactly the game plan here?”

“Don’t make me say it out loud, please.”

Dave nodded. “Thought it might be that. Okay, sit down.” Dave set him down on the toilet. “So, uh. Help me out when you can.”

Sollux nodded. Dave started pulling his gross clothes off. Sollux lifted his arms a little to help him out, but his movements were weak and lame. Sollux’s brows furrowed and he faced the ground instead of Dave’s direction. God, this shit had to be humiliating. Dave tried to work as fast as possible.

Eventually, the deed was done. And hey, Dave didn’t vomit when he saw all the weird, meaty bitemarks on Sollux’s body! Score one for him. “Holy fuck, that thing really got you.”

“Just a little.”

Dave traced his finger near one of them. “We’re gonna wanna disinfect it after we wash you off. Oh, shit, lemme just-“ Dave paused time, got some clean clothes, and set them on the sink.

“What?”

“Nothing.”

“Did you pause time?”

“Yeah. Okay, ready to get in?”

“Get it over with, please, I’m dying.”

Dave did his best to do that. He picked Sollux up. “Good thing you weigh less than a loaf of bread.”

“Fuck off, I weigh almost as much as you.”

“Yeah, no. Like, compared to a squirrel, maybe. Relativity bias.”

Dave sat outside of the tub and grabbed the shampoo and soap. Sollux could probably do that on his own, but it’d take forever, and they’re in Operation: Hurry The Fuck Up. He usually used psionics to find things so that he didn’t have to feel around for them. But psionics, shot. Secondary touch sensors/hands, also shot. Dave put the bar of soap in Sollux’s hand and started lathering his hair up with the shampoo.

Sollux tried to wash himself off, but gave up after a few seconds. The soap fell into the tub. Sollux relaxed into Dave’s hands. Hmm. Interesting. Interesting and good. “Have to give you a massage later. One of those _you almost died_ massage. All the rage when you almost die.”

Sollux opened his empty eyelids in Dave’s direction. “That won’t make me heal any faster.”

Pfft, nerd. “As if. My magic hands will probably cure you on the spot. It’s science.”

Sollux closed his eyelids and turned away, grinning a little. “That’s the complete fucking stupid opposite of science.” But, he wasn’t saying _fuck no_ to the massage, so he was definitely getting one.

A knock on the door interrupted them. Dave jolted back.

“Are both of you in there?”

“No,” Sollux said.

“Yeah, dude, we’ll be out in a minute.”

“No, take your fucking time, I just don’t want to scare the shit out of you when you come out.”

Bless him. Bless his heart. He was trying, truly. All three of them were pretty jumpy, and a big part of the relationship was figuring out how to not accidentally make each other shit their pants.

“Thanks, dude,” Dave called. He got back to work finishing off the shower. Almost done.

There was one question that hung heavy in the air, and only got heavier the more they danced around it.

“What the fuck happened,” Dave finally asked. Sollux seemed determined to say nothing, so he had to be the one to ask.

Sollux grimaced. “Stayed in it too long.”

Dave hated how little he understood Alternian technology. Example: that. “I got that impression, but what does that _mean_.”

“Well, sometimes people get distracted, see, when they’re multitasking-“

“Right, okay, but, did you know you it was too long? Or does it get more intense? What would have happened if you couldn’t reach me? I-“ Dave realized he was rambling, and that anxiety was running the mouth show. “Explain for the stupid monkey alien, dude. Wriggler words.”

“Pft. Okay. Yeah, I knew it was too long. You, uh, have to build up a resistance to it.” Dave listened raptly. “It’s an exchange of pychokenesic- fuck. You know how your beast handlers commune with bulls, right?”

Dave’s hands slowed in Sollux’s hair. “Is that a thing? Is that a thing that humans do? Commune with bulls?”

“Shut up, fuck, I don’t know, I read about it somewhere.”

“Was it one of Karkat’s erotic cowboy books?”

“Oh, that’d explain everything, yeah.”

“Gross, okay. Anyways, you pushed past your psychic connection with the meat wall too fast, and it won?”

“Basically. I- fuck, this is so embarrassing. I have to leave myself enough psionic energy to get out if it overcomes me, right?”

“And you didn’t?”

“No. Forgot. Got distracted debugging shit. And then it was crawling way up my arms, more than I could knock off.”

Dave shuddered. Then he realized something. “Why the fuck did you message _me_ when there were tons of people _right there_? People who knew what the meat wall was? And how to deal with it?” It was probably an ego thing, same reason he’d had Dave pause time for him on the way out.

Sollux didn’t respond.

“Dude?”

“That would have been a good idea, huh.”

“Yeah?”

Sollux burrowed his head between his legs, and Dave could barely make him out. “Listen, I was panicking. It’s not best state of mind for rational decision-making.”

Dave’s hands paused on Sollux’s scalp as he read between the lines. That was some hardcore matesprit shit, wow. Dave leaned over and kissed one of his horns. “It’s cool that you called me.”

“Whatever, it was stupid.”

Dave kept a hand on Sollux’s shoulder as he reached over for soap. Thank god they were almost done here. No one wanted to _need_ to be washed off by their boyfriend. Dave wanted to make this as fast and painless as possible. He soaped Sollux’s skin quickly, thoroughly, without lingering on his grubscars or sheath like he might if this weren’t humiliating invalid time. Sollux’s lips trembled and his brows furrowed a lot more than the situation called for, but Dave didn’t comment on it. They could talk about it later.

His grubscars felt weird, though, just from the few seconds Dave went past them. They were… longer than they used to be. A lot of Sollux’s skin felt weird, actually. like it had been stretched out. Kind of like John’s after he’d lost 40 pounds. Sollux hadn’t lost jack shit.

“What’s with your skin?”

“You’re not gonna like the answer.”

“Well, that’s alarming.”

“The helmscolumn likes to have as much contact as possible. Better conductivity.”

Dave let that sink in for a few moments, then shuddered.

“It’s stretching your _skin_?”

“Yeah.”

“What the _fuck_. Okay, rinse.”

Sollux seemed embarrassed - shit. Fuck. “Dude, this is totally a value judgement on the helm shit and the helm shit alone, not you.”

“You’re really making me fucking moist.”

Dave watched the pink-tinted bubbles slide off Sollux’s skin and down the drain. He made a cursory check that he’d gotten all the blood off, then turned the spigot off. “I’m gonna dry off, then pull you out, so I don’t slip.”

“It’d be pretty heroic to crack your head open on the tiles after sponge-bathing your shitbrained matesprit.”

“Probably just, too. Bathroom safety is serious business and I’d be spitting in the face of it.”

“A double whammy. I like that.”

Sollux’s fixation on the number two was adorable, but Dave could never come out and _say_ that. “Gross.”

Sollux chortled. Dave got out, dried off, and then helped Sollux out. The next step, Dave realized, was a mystery. He had a dripping wet boyfriend with noodle limbs. “Fuck.”

“Wh-“ Sollux figured it out and sighed. “Put me back in the fucking shower.”

“Sorry.”

“It’s fine.” It didn’t sound like it was fine. It wasn’t, it had to be humiliating. Operation End Sollux’s Torment was in full swing.

They got it over with. Drying off, getting him dressed, getting him slung over his shoulder, cracking as many mood-lightening jokes as possible to make this any more tolerable.

Dave was walking out of the bathroom, with a damp Sollux draped around his shoulder, when he saw Karkat sitting on the bed. He looked like he was going to say something snappy, then stopped as soon as he saw Sollux.

“What the fuck?” he shrieked. “What happened to you?!”

“He had an extra long date with the helmscolumn.”

“How long?” Karkat asked. Of course he didn’t need more details. Fucking trolls.

“6 hours?” Sollux said meekly.

“You _what?!_ ”

“Cram it, I’m obviously fine.”

“You’re _obviously_ _fine_? Did Dave just have to bathe you because your kinetic force was completely consumed?”

Dave stared at Sollux. “Dude, it ate your kinetic force?”

“Shut up.”

“No, like, that’s a thing that happens?”

“I can explain it later, I’m really not in the fucking mood.”

“Oh, shit, sure.”

“You’re not _in the mood_ because you let that creepy, disgusting, obscene relic sap away your lifeforce for _six fucking hours?_ ”

“Karkat, babe, come on,” Dave said gently, and he watched Karkat’s face soften. “Sollux, you wanna sit down?”

“Whatever.”

Everything about this was weird. Dave set him down on the bed. Sollux leaned against the wall and looked down. Karkat wasted no time scooting closer and wrapping his arms around Sollux. Dave was pretty sure he was starting to cry.

“Did it almost eat you?”

“Yeah.”

“Don’t fucking do that,” Karkat said, definitely starting to cry.

“Agreed,” Dave chimed in. He sat next to Karkat and rubbed his shoulder.

“Do you think I’m not freaked out?”

“Fuck. I’m sorry. I just-“

Sollux wrapped his arms around Karkat’s waist. “Let the next two days of humiliation be my punishment. I won’t go back in the thing.”

Karkat’s tense muscles relaxed and he squeezed Sollux tighter. “Okay. That’s when you’ll recover? Two days?”

“Probably, yeah.”

“Well, fuck. Are you ready for the pitying of a fucking lifetime?”

Sollux’s breath hitched a little. Huh. “Fuck. Don’t make it weird.”

“Don’t tell you how much Dave and I are going to take care of your pitiful ass while you recover?”

Dave watched Sollux’s knuckles go white with his grip on Karkat. Even though he and Karkat were dating before Sollux got in the picture, sometimes, he felt like a third wheel. There was so much weird troll shit they knew that he had half a chance of understanding, let alone casually pulling out, like this.

“Seriously, you’re gonna get my bulges out,” Sollux said, and his voice was breathy enough that Dave actually believed it.

“Fucking pervert.” Karkat didn’t quite manage to say that glibly. The air between the was charged. Like, woah, third wheel charged.

“Oh, fuck off.”

Karkat leaned forward and kissed Sollux, and Sollux weakly wrapped his arms around him. Woah.

Dave had a half a second of hesitation before scooting right onto the bed himself. They were sharing some weird troll bond, what with the whole sexy caretaking thing, but there was something universal about the whole wanting to cuddle/fuck your partner who almost died. Because he did, didn’t he. Sollux almost died. Dave was trying not to think about it, but now, with Sollux’s bony chest in his arms, he worried about what could have been, if Sollux had dropped his phone, or Dave had been in the shower when he texted (he would have contacted someone else, someone on the ship - but, no, he got really, really close to figuring out just how immortal he was, didn’t he?).

Sollux made a soft noise and leaned into Dave. Karkat reached around and held his hand.

“Don’t almost die, dude. That shit’s fucked up,” Dave mumbled.

“I know, shit. Sorry.”

“Dave…” Karkat said softly. “Are you okay?”

“Kinda.”

He squeezed his hand tighter.

“So you’re gonna chill with the meat wall? Because it might kill you?”

“Yeah, I will. Wriggler steps for a fucking year if I ever go back.”

“Cool.” Dave swallowed. “Shit’s in your best interest. For more than just being alive. Seeing as it’s so pitable to be like this.”

Dave thought he heard a hitch in Sollux’s breath, but he might have imagined it. He kissed Sollux’s neck.

“Really, seriously pathetic,” Karkat agreed.

“You sick fucks,” Sollux said tightly.

“Dude, you almost died.” It’s like Dave’s brain recoiled from the words, wrong, nope, can’t happen. “I’m kind of aching to not be touching every fucking part of you.”

That’s when Sollux noticed Karkat was crying.

“Shit, KK, don’t fuckin’ cry.” Sollux swiped his hand in Karkat’s direction and hit his nose before his cheeks. His aim was usually a little off, but now that he had wasted muscles on top of the complete lack of sight thing, he was set up for failure.

“Fuck off, don’t fucking almost die.” Dave squeezed Karkat’s hand again. Karkat wiped his face with his other sleeve.  “It’s so fucked up. You didn’t fucking kill the Condesce just to get killed by her fucking ship.”

“Yeah, that’d be ironic,” Sollux said. He cupped Karkat’s cheek.

“It’d be fucking idiotic!”

“And that.”

Karkat scooted closer to Sollux and kissed him again, messy. Sollux seemed to struggle to move the little he did, getting one hand on Dave’s leg and one around Karkat’s waist. His movements were slow and clumsy. Karkat’s hands were all over Sollux’s skin in seconds, and Sollux was already trembling. Dave had the weirdest boner.

“So, the meat wall shit didn’t make you numb?”

“N-no.”

Dave had a theory. He ran the tip of his tongue down Sollux’s neck, and Sollux moaned out loud. Yeah, neat. Usually that’d just pull the tiniest little gasp.

“Fuck.”

“Does that shit, per chance, make you _more_ sensitive?”

“Fuck off.”

That was a yes. “Oh, nice.” Dave kissed his skin, and he jolted.

“Only when he exposes himself for too long like a fucking idiot,” Karkat said. He did something that made Sollux moan halfway through his retort. Nice. “It slowly bombards your skin with sensation to distract your psionic defenses. That’s why you’re not supposed to stay in the fucking thing for more than a few hours.”

“Ah, got it.” Dave was about to ask more. Like, was that thing seriously just a carnivorous beast that trolls somehow hooked up to psionics to produce power. What the fuck. How the fuck. He thought a little too hard about the fact that Sollux’s myth ancestor supposedly spent centuries in t, kept supernaturally alive by the Condesce. This is what a few hours too many did to Sollux. The Psiionic was probably in agony every time the wind in the room shifted. Dave shuddered. Shit was bad to think about.

“Can the Alternian history lesson come when you’re not fucking fondling me?”

Karkat growled in that weird black-romance way, and Sollux snarled. The two of them vascillated all over the place pretty regularly, which Dave got the impression was pretty scandalous. They were super troll kinky. Watching them hatefuck was fun and had measurable cross-species value.

Dave was jostled back when Karkat kissed Sollux hard. He heard their teeth click together. Sollux made a pathetic and kind of alarming sound.

“Oh, fuck, shit,” Karkat said.

“What?” Dave asked, kind of worried. Karkat leaned over and did something Dave couldn’t see, and Sollux moaned again. “You kinky piece of shit.”

“Fuck off, you liked it. I cut his lip with my fangs.”

“And then licked the blood like some kind of fucking barkbeast.”

“What, was I supposed to get a napkin?”

“Gotta give this one to Sollux, babe.”

“Fuck off.”

“Guys, I’m fucking dying over here, come _on_ ,” Sollux whined.

Dave ran his hands up Sollux’s sides, up the thick dual sets of grub scars on his chest. That made him shake in Dave’s lap, which was really hot, but Dave was a tiny bit distracted by the feeling of his skin. It was weird. It was a different kind of weird. Almost velvety, with tons of give.

“Is blood eating a troll thing?” Dave asked. Sollux and Karkat both went tellingly still. Ah. “That’s a yeah, isn’t it.”

“Stop making it weird,” Sollux said.

Dave started pulling Sollux’s pants down, and Karkat helped him wiggle them the rest of the way off.

“How is that weird? Or, how is that weirder than the fact that you did it in the first place?”

“It’s a matespirit thing.”

“Holy shit, what?”

“Fuck off, it’s not like they do it all the fucking time. Trolls don’t drink blood every time they fuck. It’s just. Fucking. Fuck it, is what it is. Who the fuck cares-“

Sollux weakly pulled Karkat closer to him and started kissing him again, much softer than before. Drinking blood was some gushy romantic shit. Trolls were so fucking weird.

Karkat pulled away and looked at Dave. “Switch positions with me and get him naked.”

“I just spent so much time getting him dressed, though.”

“Yeah, well, you’re going to have to get used to that, because _someone_ fucking drained his fucking psionic powers, didn’t he?”

“Fuck off.”

Dave pulled Karkat aside and spoke lowly in his ear as he rubbed his shoulder. “Babe, c’mon, this shit’s hard enough without you rubbing it in.”

“…Fine.”

“It’s kind of a boner kill, too.”

“Dave’s right.”

Karkat leaned into Dave, and Dave hugged him. “Fine. I’ll stop. … Sorry.”

“Cool,” Dave said. He kissed the top of Karkat’s head. Karkat kissed him and then pulled back.

“Thank fuck. I thought you’d never shut up and I’d die hearing about it.”

“Oh, cram it,” Karkat growled.

“Maybe if you’d cram it in my fucking nook already.” Sollux weakly started taking his shirt off. It made Dave’s chest hurt to see how much he struggled to do just that. He tore his own clothes and then climbed in front of Sollux. Karkat had already gotten naked and helped Solux with his shirt, and was kissing the base of his horns. That’s when Dave noticed, really noticed, how fucking weird Sollux’s grubscars were.

Normally, they looked a lot like Karkat’s - flushed a darker, blood-colored tint of their grey skin, standing out just a little from their skin. Like a keloid scar, if a keloid scar was an erogenous super nipple instead of an ugly bitch that sometimes swelled up and infected and sometimes needed medical attention (thanks, Bro!). The rest of Sollux’s skin hung off of him like a scruffy puppy’s. And it might be Dave’s imagination, but he swore that Sollux’s already-spindly fingers and toes were even more spread than usual. It would make sense, with the spreading. He hoped Sollux never got back in that thing again.

That, and, Sollux’s bulges were out. There was one part of his body that was totally vital, at least. Dave scooted down Sollux body and let them dance around his fingers.

“Good thing you keep don’t let the meat wall in your nook, dude.”

Sollux was tellingly silent.

“And you called _me_ a sick fuck?” Karkat purred.

“Fuck off.”

“Holy fuck, really?!” Dave asked. “Really.”

“It… it feels. Fuck.”

“Then why is your bulge so lively?”

“I don’t fucking jack off with it, you disgusting perverts.”

“You just let it crawl up your nook?” Dave asked. Oh, shit, so, his nook was probably really fucking sensitive. Dave had a way of testing that. He leaned over to where Sollux’s nook was sopping wet and started licking him gently. Sollux sounded like he was dying. Dave had a feeling that if it weren’t for the weird troll jizzload buildup thing, he would have come all over Dave’s face already.

It was kind of sick, but Dave definitely found the silver lining in this shit cloud.

“Oh, it’d be fun to fuck you like this,” Karkat purred.

“Please.”

Dave still really, really wanted an explanation for why the fuck Sollux let the thing in his hoo ha. He was not going to allow himself to forget that. Now, though, his job/gift from god was eating his boyfriend’s hyper-sensitive pussy. While his other boyfriend dirty talked him. Sollux’s bulges slapped Dave’s hair, looking for contact. Sex with trolls was always messy. Dave slowly pushed his tongue inside. Sollux’s legs weakly went tense around his head, and his bulges went limp on his head.

“Does that feel good? Do you like that?”

“Fuck, Dave, KK.”

“You need something in there, don’t you. I bet it’s been aching.”

“Mm, yeah.”

Dave slowly pulsed his tongue, the way that always made Karkat and Sollux moan. Sollux moaned and squeezed weakly around Dave’s tongue.

“Can’t wait to spread your legs and see how you take it today.” Sollux made a weak, pathetic sound and spilled mustard-tinted fluid all over his stomach. The walls of his nook pulsed almost firmly against Dave’s tongue. Holy _shit_.

Dave pulled back to see Sollux panting and quivering while Karkat stroked his scalp gently. He made eye contact with Karkat and Karkat bit his lip. Slowly, gently, he peeled himself just far enough away from Sollux that Dave could climb up the bed and kiss him. Both of them still kept some skin-to-skin contact with Sollux.

“Fuck me?” Karkat asked.

Dave was hard enough to fuck bricks, probably. “Get on your hands and knees.”

He watched Karkat’s pupils dilate. He was pretty sure he could smell how wet he was, and his bulge was already wiggling, slapping against his abdomen. “Fuck, okay.” He got down, and fuck, it was hot how his bulge hung down like this. Dave thumbed at Karkat’s wet nook. He was really fucking ready to get this show on the road, but, a little extra foreplay never hurt anything. The thing about fucking trolls was, they weren’t designed to take firm meat slabs up their nooks. It felt good for the first 15 minutes or so, then gradually turned into more of a painful ache that was sometimes kinky sexy but not the most conducive to getting them to come. Getting them halfway there before the dick even entered the picture was always a good plan. He leaned over and tongued the red-tinted pre off from Karkat’s skin, and Karkat moaned and swore violently.

Dave got him completely clean, then lingered on the skin a long, long while later. Karkat reached down and slowly pumped his bulge, and Dave stroked himself softly a few times to stop his dick from aching.

“Holy fuck, you guys are hot,” Sollux murmured. “Are you gonna fuck Karkat really hard?”

Karkat moaned. “Fuck.”

“So hard he has bruises on his ass?”

“Maybe.”

“Fuck, please.”

“Maybe you should do it slow, though. So he can feel every little thing you do.”

Dave watched Karkat pull his hand away from his bulge. Hah, hot. He heard the sound of Sollux and Karkat kissing above him. He reached forward and started jacking off Karkat firmly.

“Oh, fuck!” Karkat gasped. “Don’t, I’ll fucking spill!”

“Oops,” Dave said, not sorry at all. He pulled his hand away. “You ready, babe?”

“A fucking hour ago.”

Dave slapped his ass lightly and pushed in. He felt amazing, always, like Dave’s dick had a hard day at work and was coming home to a full-course dinner and a made bed just for him. Dave gave him time to adjust, a few moments, then he started pumping his hips back and forth slowly. He decided on slow. Make him feel every little thing. Sollux had a way with words. Maybe he’d speed up later.

Barely a few minutes passed before Sollux made a strained noise. Mood, broken, Dave stopped. “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing that matters.”

“Dude.”

“I can’t fucking jack off.”

All of the fear left Dave’s body. He laughed before he thinks better of it.

“Thanks!”

“Fuck. Sorry. No, that really sucks.”

Karkat crawled his shaking arms forward. “What’s up, babe?”

“Idea,” he said hoarsely. Then he positioned himself awkwardly between Sollux’s legs, and started sucking him off. Sollux gasped.

“Holy fuck.”

“Fuck, babe, that’s so fucking hot.”

Karkat moaned softly.

“You want me to keep going?”

“That’s entirely the fucking idea.”

“You got it, babe.”

Dave moved his hips and watched raptly as Karkat struggled to work his mouth over Sollux’s bulges, and Sollux weakly gripped Sollux’s hair. He wanted to stay slow, but the display compelled him to speed things the fuck up. Karkat seemed to appreciate that. His knuckles went white on the bed sheets and it was just minutes before he was panting against Sollux’s thigh. And minutes after that before he spilled, going so tight around Dave that he had to stop moving.

And stark fucking moments after that before he got back to work on Sollux’s bulges and his hyper-sensitive nook, telling Dave to keep going. Karkat was so fucking hot. It didn’t take either of them very long to finish after that. Dave pulled out before he spoofed in Karkat’s nook, spilling over his backside as his vision went fuzzy. Then, exhausted and nasty, he plopped into bed next to his boyfriends.

They all panted for a while, catching their breath.

“You guys really get off on the invalid care thing, huh,” Dave finally said.

“Of course it sounds stupid when you oversimplify it,” Karkat mumbled.

“Wanna give me a crash course in why that legit got you off? Alien, remember.”

“Ugh, no,” Sollux said, “why would you even-“

“Gladly,” Karkat said. Sollux groaned and pulled away. “…Some other time. Rain check.”

“Thank _god._ ”

“Deal.”

Dave was going to go to sleep, but then he remembered. “Wait, why the fuck do you let it in your cooch?!”

Sollux groaned and buried his head in the pillows.

“Please, Sol, I’m dying of curiosity.”

“He probably doesn’t control it. Right?”

“No, of course not. It goes wherever it wants.”

“Holy fuck, what?”

“It doesn’t get me off. It just hangs out there. It doesn’t _do_ anything, it doesn’t feel good.”

“Woah. You sure?”

“Positive.”

“Okay. Thanks for quenching my knowledge thirst.”

“And your dick thirst.”

“Good one, dude.”

“Fuck off, I’m too tired to be alive right now.”

Dave reached over and turned the light out. Sollux nuzzled closer to him, and he felt Karkat’s hand on his arm. “Thanks,” Sollux murmured.

Dave kissed the top of his head. “Yeah, babe. G’night.”

*

It took two days. Sollux was right. Two days of helping Sollux find his phone and husktop, because his location psionics weren’t working and his muscles weren’t working. Two days of cooking for him and bringing meals to bed. Two days and about three pailings, because apparently being taken care of by a loved one was some serious fucking kink fuel for trolls. Sollux was insatiable. Sollux didn’t even tell Karkat to fuck off when he started in with his _I’ll take care of you all over_ shit, or when Dave admitted how scared he was when he found Sollux being consumed there.

Sollux was insatiable, between the pity fuel and the hyper sensitive everything. And he couldn’t jack off. Lucky for him, he had two very helpful close, personal friends to help. Boyfriend jack-off assistance wasn’t the worst duty Dave ever had. He watched in sexy real time how Sollux’s nook got less absurdly, unsustainably sensitive and returned to a baseline.

Two days of watching a lot of video description-enabled Alternian cooking shows in bed with Sollux and Karkat in bed, or passing time talking about how exactly the helmscolumn worked. And after those two days, Sollux was a little shaky but able to walk.

At the end of day three, the taking it easy day, Sollux left with his cane to pick up some snacks. “Need any help?” Dave asked.

“Fuck no. I’m so fucking stuffed with help it’s obscene.” He grabbed his cane and turned in Dave’s direction. “Thanks, though,” he said softly. “You guys… yeah.” He reached for Dave’s shoulder, then leaned forward and kissed him.

“Just don’t get meatwall eaten again.”

“I’ll see what I can do.”


End file.
